While I get old, instead of bemoaning aging, I'm embracing it.

Kay Ebeling

1 min · 

While I get old, instead of bemoaning aging, I'm embracing it. In the 1970s I was a hippie, in the ‘80s I dressed for success, being a single mom dominated two decades, and now I'm a little old lady. I have a funny hobble to my walk and my voice squeaks, I must look quizzical from the way people look back at me. My hair is receding and bright white, the missing teeth create crevices in my cheeks.
I see other women my age doing cosmetic things to make themselves look younger, I don't know how Hillary gets her hair that color. A lot of women get surgery, you can tell by the look of constant surprise on their faces. (And HD cameras make those surgically enhanced faces look horrible, which is to me, instant justice.)
Why fight it? Aging is part of life.
I get to make people laugh with a wisecrack when I goof up in public now. No one gets mad at an old lady who’s taking too long to get on the bus, try that in your forties and see what happens.
My home is so much more comfortable today than any other home I've ever had, because I spend so much more time inside it. I live in a small space, but that's perfect, because I can hold onto one piece of furniture after another as I hobble my way across the room.
 I don't know why people don’t like getting old, when you consider the alternative. I'm still here. I'm still alive and life as a human on Earth is still fascinating.
 I seem to be happier than I've been in years now that I'm just diving into old age and enjoying it.

I am sick and will not be posting for a while.

have not participated in American holiday season now for years. Finally it is not something that makes me sad anymore. I am an observer, not really from here, and these weeks each year make that so obvious to me. So, a time to get packed, ready for next move, wait for hotels to empty out after Jan 1, then outta here. But it is a Major Breakthrough that I am not sad to not be doing the holidays, in fact I'm kinda proud not to be celebrating... how Jesus was born so you could go shopping.

Kay Ebeling

3 hrs · 

I knew him, so I opened the door and he put his foot in the way like a salesman then kept shouting this loopy story about his woman stealing 19 hundred dollars from him "the Pipe" caused it, "and now I'm homeless." I kept saying, I have to work tomorrow, and he looped his story out again through a scraggly beard, holding a burning cigarette in the wind but still bringing a stale tobacco smell. Finally he got around to asking for bus fare, I poured my quarters into his hand, and he was gone. That's life in low income USA. Hope it's better where I'm going next, or I'll go somewhere else. And somewhere else. And somewhere else

Kay Ebeling

10 mins · 

*****

Raped Age 5 by Father Rucker, Her Life Was Chaotic and Reckless, Just like Mine

St. Anthony's, El Segundo 

By Kay Ebeling
Examiner
April 17, 2009

(Reprinted after I found it at Bishop Accountability, thank god, as Ebeling columns at Examiner disappeared after they fired me in 2010)

There was so much pedophilia in L.A. Catholic parishes that when Fr. Rucker got to St. Anthony’s, he would walk into a first grade class, pick out a student, take her off into the rectory or even on the altar and rape her. A 6 year old girl, often with "giving of Communion wine." A legal brief on George Neville Rucker states that over and over he fondled her on her genitals, under her clothes, massaged her breasts and nipples, licked her, and penetrated her vagina with his penis. A six year old girl. Worse yet, he did the same to at least 23 other children, as 23 were able to come back as adults and file lawsuits in the Clergy Cases, during the one year window that opened in the statute of limitations in 2003 in California. A profligate sexual predator like George Neville Rucker likely had hundreds more victims, standard wisdom is that for every child sex victim who comes forward later as an adult there are 10 others whose stories we never hear. 

Cindy Falter, the Rucker victim in the above case file, and I have become pretty good friends in the last two years, as we were both raped by Catholic priests at that age, 4-6, and today we share weird personality quirks as adults. I called her to tell her that in a hearing April 20th, the transcript of a deposition Rucker did with someone in Law Enforcement will likely be the last document from LA Clergy Cases 2007 to be ordered to remain sealed, which could bring the cases finally to an end. I asked Cindy about how she is doing today:

From interview with Cindy:

Most of us are so f---ed up. I think there’s even a couple of Rucker victims that only remotely function. He would scratch crosses in my chest with something like a needle, like a sewing needle. 

ME: You said he would come in the classroom and pick you out

Cindy: He’d call down usually, and would have me go up. But yeah, sometimes he’d go in there and he’d pick me out but usually he’d then go back to his rectory and call for me to come up from there. 

****************************

He used to take me down these stairs in a St. Anthony’s church and school property building.

***************************************************

Cindy: When he did what he did, when he penetrated me, after that I had this repeated dream of being naked scared in a forest, blood between my legs. And the god Pegasus comes forward and brings light and he picks me up out of the forest and takes me up in the sky with his wings and I'm safe and warm. 

I ran away one time when I was in kindergarten, and I realize now it was after Rucker had already started raping me. I was five years old and I ran away all the way to the airport. I tried to get on an airplane. When they asked me why I ran away, I said I was going to find love. 

Cindy remembered the rapes at age five but there was no way to document them, so her civil lawsuit case files begin with the incidents when Cindy was in first grade at St. Anthony’s Elementary School in El Segundo.

Then after the settlements in 2007, Cardinal Roger Mahony announced he’d be glad to meet with the victims to apologize. 

Her mom was there, and in tears she told Mahony about the times Fr. Rucker was holding Cindy age 4 or 5. Her mom saw he was touching her inappropriately, and the first time she ever mentioned it was at that meeting with Mahony.

So the first time Cindy had confirmation that indeed Rucker was even raping her at age 4 and 5 was in that meeting with Mahony. 

************************

I ran away all the way to the airport. I tried to get on an airplane. When they asked me why I ran away, I said I was going to find love

**************************************************

Cindy says:

I took my mother with me to the apology meeting with Mahony, and she talked about Rucker coming over to bless the house and touching me with his hands in appropriate places.

Rucker said to my mom, She’ll be fine, and I remember him carrying him off. I remember I was reaching for her. He said, I'm used to little children and walked away with me in his arms. 

My mom at the meeting was crying and crying, and she said to Mahony, I was so stupid because I believed in the church and I believed in the priest and I didn't believe my own eyes. 

But at the time of filing the lawsuit up to potential trial my mom still hadn’t dealt with it.

He was coming to see me at my parents’ house for blessings of the house, and he got to me then. 

I went with Cindy to her “apology meeting with Mahony and covered it here in Cardboard Carnival Meets With Plaintiff

One personality fluke Cindy and I share is running away. She talks more about her experiences:

Cindy:  Oh God. [LAUGHS] God I don't even know how many times I ran away, so many. First time was at age five but I didn't actually get anywhere until I was 12 or 13 about 1970, 1971. I hitchhiked up to Northern California. I had a sister there up past Sacramento, I wanted to go live with her, but I got raped along the way. 

Well, what happened was, the guy that picked me up held a knife to me and asked me to give him head. After it was over, I was afraid he was going to kill me so I rolled out of the car onto the freeway. I landed in the medium and then I got up stunned and ran across the freeway to the offramp. At the crosswalk up at the top, I passed out, because I had pneumonia. These two Navy guys took me to a clinic and got me medicine, then they took me to an apartment to take care of me. Then one day when I was feeling better, I went for a walk, it was a sunny day. I saw a guy watering his lawn with a Cheshire cat nearby like in Alice in Wonderland. I talked to him, he asked me in to smoke a joint, then he raped me. He tied my legs to the axle of his car in the basement, and when it was all over, I said, that was fun, let’s do it again, because I was scared he would kill me. I thought if I acted like his friend he would leave me alone. I went to get something to drink, he untied me, and he went to get me some milk, and I ran out of there butt naked down the street and ran into these people’s house and they called the cops. They arrested me for being a runaway. Turned out the guy was the Chief of Police’s relative

ARE YOU SHITTING ME? I ask,

And then I realize

I HAVE THE SAME EXPERIENCE

My story as I start to tell it is so unbelievable, I see it in people’s faces, hear it in their voices, they start to not believe me. That's another characteristic Cindy and I share.

In fact we are probably friends for life now, though we come from different backgrounds and even different periods of time, we share weird personality quirks that we both think probably have to do with the PTSD reaction we both have. 

Sexual trauma on a child implants itself in the brain and central nervous system, and affects the way you react to things. Just like all kids develop personalities based on the influences in their lives as they grow up. Cindy and I were both handled sexually by a priest at age 4 5 and 6 and we both lived chaotic lives, for her it meant always running away, for me it was always landing in situations where I ended up having lots of sex with lots of different men and experiencing the reality that gang bangs and prostitution is not as clean or as much fun as Lifetime and Showtime movies crack it up to be.

Movies that depict promiscuity never include the pain, the smells, the mysterious infections, the disrespect. But I'm digressing.

Cindy and I both have physical and mental weirdnesses, we both have trouble functioning, holding jobs, staying in one place. We both can tell you several escapades where we're not sure how we even came out alive. 

Me, I went through life like Little Annie Fanny with brains. . . .

Why it takes decades for child sex crime victims to report,

Why sometimes they never report the crime at all

A lot of child sex crime victims are so screwed up growing up they don’t make it to adulthood, due to alcoholism, drug addiction, suicide. Others never remember what happened as children, all the way to the day they die. Repressed memory comes up often in sex crimes against children. Because we find ways to fantasize through the incident, and often the perpetrator scares us into covering up the memory. “If you tell anyone I’ll kill your parents,” that kind of pressure. 

Fr. George N. Rucker

In my case I went through life thinking I had been visited by Michael the Archangel at age five in the woods, I still to this day see the silhouetted image, but I know now it’s Father Horne on our property on Lake Street in what was a rural region outside Chicago in 1953. All the way up to age 45, I thought I’d been visited by an angel, implanted with some special sexual thing, and I then took that sexual thing with me everywhere I went. I broke up marriages, left behind confused men and children, sexed my way across America, getting several venereal diseases, damaging my insides so bad I had to get it all cut out because the female body is not really meant to take in hundreds of different sized and shaped penises. To this day I have pubic pain that cripples me. . . .

So I got off on a rant there, this is supposed to be a story about Cindy:

The crimes of George Neville Rucker are phenomenal and he is just one priest in one parish, well actually he was in lots of LA parishes, one priest out of hundreds who were uncovered by that window of opportunity to file lawsuits in 2003 in California. 

I asked, how are you doing today, Cindy:

Cindy:

I'm just now getting some kind of control of my life. I’d like to say it was the settlement, maybe it made things easier, I don't have to worry about homelessness or where my next meal is. The money provides some mental health improvement, gives me a little more confidence, but it’s not the settlement, that didn't fix me by any means. 

What's helped me heal more than anything was going through the lawsuit and being vindicated, that I was heard. I was heard. Someone listened, and there is some legal recourse. I think sometimes that's why I drag it out the way I do, because I am not going to shut up until the right thing happens, which is these bastards need to be brought to justice. 

Onward. . . 


Reprint: Originally published at site that has since been taken down: 
http://www.examiner.com/x-1960-LA-City-Buzz-Examiner~y2009m4d17-Raped-age-5-by-Fr-Rucker-her-life-was-chaotic-confused-reckless-just-like-mine

Posted by Kay Ebeling
Producer, City of Angels Blog 
Not just L.A., the city of angels is everywhere 

Hmm, I may just go look for more articles that were taken down from Examiner, as they are still in the Bishop Accountability database, if you search.  After I take a walk along the lake, a few times... 

Some things you never get over and it's foolish to try. So I'm trying to compartmentalize those memories, like Windows on a computer screen, let them go on in a little box down on the bottom. They'll always be there as the rest of your life goes on

Kay Ebeling

Just now · 

Purposeful Amnesia or Controlled PTSD

I arrived in Tahoe with amnesia. I don't remember anything in my life from before March 2016. I have this job, work shows up in my email, and when I complete it they send me a check once a month. That keeps the rent paid. To get the jobs, I email back and forth with a woman in Burbank, but I don't know who she is, I've never met her.
Pictures keep popping up on my screen of a beautiful young girl who looks a lot like me, her name is apparently Lizzie or Elizabeth, but I don't know who she is. Right after moving here to town, I had an ugly argument with a female that might have been her over FB messages, I don't know. The argument seemed to be the end of a long series of arguments that were very-very ugly.
I don't remember anything from before March 2016.
I also get email and items from friends on Facebook about the Catholic Church and pedophile priests. Those articles must have something to do with me, but I'm not sure what.
I don't remember anything from before March 2016. That's my way of dealing with the trauma, I call it controlled PTSD, manipulated and managed PTSD, purposeful amnesia to stop thinking about the horrible shit all the time.
Maybe that will help.

sigh 

Carried over from CofA25

Mr. Good Bible update

I tried to go to Bible studies but files for my job keep coming in making me work those hours.  Since I was age six, the first time they tried to kill me in the dump truck incident*, everything in my life has been guided by angels.  So I figure, if I've got to work, I’m better off making a little more money than I am going to classes where I may be exposed to dogma that, even though I look at it objectively, could taint my truth.

Anyway. The problem is, I was also going to use those Bible studies as a way to meet people. So not giving up on them, still going to try the 12 week series on the Sermon that starts next week, just blocks from here.  Just accepting that this is happening at a much slower pace for me than it would for someone else. I have to keep canceling potential meeting situations because of this screwy job that I do in a room at home by myself communicating with no one.

I guess that's god’s will for me.

It's also true that if too many people find out who I am and about my blog, things will get really uncomfortable for me, like they did in the last two places where I lived.

I guess I should gleefully embrace this isolation

Which includes every member of my family even my daughter

I spend the free hours I have wandering around and am grateful I've moved to a town where there is a tourist-y area, called "Heavenly" no less, the area around the Gondola, where people who are total strangers all walk about in a crowd.

I fit right in. 

*Dump truck incident http://cityofangels15.blogspot.com/2014/01/they-tried-to-kill-me.html 

happy labor 

Looking for Mr. Good Bible update

the Presbyterian church half mile from where I live is starting a class "Sermon on the Mount" in mid-September through November, and I am going to go from the first Sunday to as long as I can...

I'm not going into the church itself for service after classes as they wear the same robes Catholics do, way too similar, but-

Doing Bible studies around town  so far has allowed me to meet people who think "Zionists run Hollywood" and who give way too much power to a book full of pages pressed out by old monks with an agenda. . . 

Looking forward to digging into the Sermon, but I'm pretty convinced Christ already came back, saw the abomination people are making of his word in his name and said, forget this place and left for another planet to try the experiment again. 

we are on our own

good morning 

-----

Since I was age six, the first time they tried to kill me in the dump truck incident*, everything in my life has been guided by angels.  So I'm going to these Bible studies even though I may be exposed to dogma that, even though I look at it objectively, could taint my truth.

I am also going to use those Bible studies as a way to meet people. So not giving up on the classes around town, still going to try the 12 week series on the Sermon that starts next week, just blocks from here.  Just accepting that this is happening at a much slower pace for me than it would for someone else. I have to keep canceling potential meeting situations because of this screwy job that I do in a room at home by myself communicating with no one.

I guess that's god’s will for me.

It's also true that if too many people find out who I am and about my blog, things will get really uncomfortable for me, like they did in the last two places where I lived.

I guess I should gleefully embrace this isolation

Which includes every member of my family even my daughter

I spend the free hours I have wandering around and am grateful I've moved to a town where there is a tourist-y area, called "Heavenly" no less, the area around the Gondola, where people who are total strangers all walk about in a crowd.

I fit right in. 

*Dump truck incident http://cityofangels15.blogspot.com/2014/01/they-tried-to-kill-me.html 

happy labor day weekend 

Triggers from Mr. Good Bible

Glad I kick started this project under a new name as it is triggering all kinds of up-all-night thoughts such as;

This is the thought that is waking me up: God went to all that trouble to send his son and put him through all that, to get humans to straighten up. And it did not work. I think Christ already came back, saw the way humans turned everything he said ass-backwards and how we not only returned to hate greed and deviousness but are doing it in His Name. So Jesus said, "Forget this place" and went on to try it again with his own son at another planet. We Are On Our Own now.

AND

all you have to do is put Christian in your name and a cross in your logo and you have instant customers and profits, not what Christ was sent here to set up.

The post that I'm writing now is LOOONG and involves the Bible chapter John 20

stay tuned

Just ran into a local Church of Christ guy I met doing Looking for Mr. Good Bible. He insisted to me that Hollywood is run by the Zionists, and I said, funniest thing, I've been working on TV shows and film pres kits since 1998 and have never seen any sign of that. He says it's true, it's all over the internet. Not going back to that church... onward 

Preview

Posts related to story coming soon;

MONDAY, JANUARY 18, 2010

Watching the film 'Taken' brings up the time I got kidnapped in Paris and they almost sold me to the Arabs. But I escaped thanks to a genuine miracle

.
I watched "Taken" and got sick for a week, then dug up this story from City of Angels 1

An Extended version first appeared here: 

SUNDAY, JANUARY 14, 2007

A Miracle I made it through my teens - literally

I think I wrote it somewhere else.  It's all related to a post I'm working on now, titled "Looking for Mr. Good Bible."

-ke

Looking for Mr. Good Bible

Kay Ebeling added a new video.

5 mins · 

bizarre morning where i watched Spotlight, finally, for the first time, while waiting for a ride to a church bk I am writing a story for this blog, CofA15, "Looking for Jesus in South Lake Tahoe," which covers my journey to find a church I can stand in this town. Mostly for Bible study, as I feel a need to study the source of all this stuff right now. But for those who know my story, it is weird to do all this in one AM and to be honest, I could not sit through the service. will be writing a lot more soon both on what it was like for this very public and vocal pedophile priest survivor to finally watch Spotlight, and this project, Looking for Mr. Good Bible - still working on the title.

Posted by Kay Ebeling

Producer, City of Angels Blog

Not just L.A., the City of Angels is Everywhere

Kay Ebeling

Just now · 

As a person who does believe in something, not sure what, I almost laugh out loud though, when I hear people do prayer requests, I have to admit. I mean, if God is omnipotent, doesn't He already know Grandma is about to have gallbladder surgery?

Timothy Leary was alive and well and living in Laguna in 1969

Background, story coming shortly

Chapter One First Light
Chapter Two The Thud and a Nipple Dress
Chapter Three Considering Who We Are 

ALSO THIS: 

MONDAY, JANUARY 15, 2007

Timothy Leary was alive and well and living in Laguna in 1969

Timothy Leary was alive and well in Laguna in 1969

http://cityofangels1.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2007-01-21T10:13:00-08:00&max-results=1 

The story will continue here shortly

Coming Soon

I kept finding this note to myself around my office so finally opened that file and found a good way to get back into this story. So a post titled "One of the Last Times I had Sex was with Three Drunk Hungarians" is coming soon. It will hearken back to this May 29 2012 post about Marilyn Monroe and me

-ke