Working Through the Whore Still in Me

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Got triggered by this quote

“It is important to keep in mind that children develop a sense and understanding of sexuality from authority figures,” (Franciscans of Santa Barbara Board of Inquiry Report 1993) 

I went through life thinking I’d been touched in my privates as a child by an Angel under a tree.  So I grew up with a purpose in life, to share that excitement with every male I encountered who resembled the priest who molested me when I was five years old in the woods outside Bartlett, Illinois.  

So please, all those flight controllers who wrote about me on the men’s room walls at NASA in Houston , and all the women everywhere who came gunning for me after I did what I did with their husbands, and all the boyfriends I left hurt and shocked when I seduced their buddies or brothers, I'm sorry.  I had impulses I could not control.  Hopefully this writing I am doing about pedophile priests will reach some of my victims and help them think less bad of me. 

The way I lived, yes, I left behind a trail of victims.  I was a sexual predator from age six on.  In the early years the impulses confused me, so I got very fat, really fat.  Then when I reached puberty, I starved myself slim and the sexual compulsion kicked back in.  Soon I was bouncing on men’s laps just like when I was six years old. 

I have 40 years of “My Life as a Slut” left behind as memories in my head to live with as a result.  

My own memory in my own brain is a punishment.

So for now I'm going back to reading the report on St. Anthony’s, please God get me out of my own experience again.Working Through the Whore in Me

Franciscan Archive
... narrative history of abuse in Santa Barbara. We will also provide links ... at Retreat
Center on Board of Inquiry Report (11/21/93) ? concealing ... 
www.bishop-accountability.org/franciscans/

(Reading through old notes, piecing things together, this post comes from a 2011 journal)

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