(This post needs one more edit)
PTSD since age five explained everything.
At least now sometimes I can hold still.
Today (November 2011) living in a weird space.
"And there was also a local politician guy who stood up and came out as a survivor in the middle of that hearing."
Now that I've been abandoned in West Virginia, I am dying of loneliness.
How did I ever end up in Berkeley Springs, West Virginia?
A guy from the pedophile priest movement dropped me off here in March, and I was supposed to be picked up in April by another guy in the “pedophile priest survivor movement” but he never showed up, and the woman from the "survivor movement" who invited me turned out to not have any room for me, so I got stranded in this town known as "the country's first spa."
I've learned to live with myself, and I can even turn the TV and radio and everything off sometimes and just sit in the quiet. The previous decades before coming here, in fact pretty much since the damn recovered memory came in around 1994, I was not able to tolerate silence for more than a few seconds. The horrible thoughts would pour in.
To my isolation I have the added element of not being the same person I used to be twenty years ago. So I don't even really know myself.
I get to live with this new person. I also get to live with knowing all the screw-ups in my life that shocked me as well as just about every person I encountered, all that behavior, the shameful way I lived, can all be explained away with the fact I had PTSD for forty years.
If only I’d been able to keep my job at NASA back in the 1980s and become what I could have become.
Instead I have this cheap furnished room and I earn just a little over the poverty line in income, so since I'm so rich, I get no help from the government with anything. Plus what few friends I do have are all as poor as I am and able to live on government grants for which I somehow never qualify. So I have to watch them get free medical care, subsidized rent, and food stamps, while I self medicate in a high-priced slum living on rice the last two weeks each month.
But food and medicine are not the main basic human need that for me is never met. It's been more than 24 years since I felt arms around me. Even now thinking of it, my eyes glaze, I exhale. I have an inkling of what it would be like to feel love. I know a couple of the men I was with early on, in my early twenties, late teens, would have been wonderful life partners.
Imagine if I’d married Tim Young, who was my high school passion. Instead I threw him off my front porch when he came back to see me in my senior year, me age 17(?), just beginning to discover the power I had over men, and the rage I’d feel for them after.
I was so mean to him as I threw Tim Young out of my life.
Then I repeated that pattern all the way through adulthood. Fuck men then throw them out in as mean a way as possible.
November 21, 2011, I am dying of loneliness.
Just living on a space station in the Appalachians.
Where Finally I Can Stand Silence.
Producer of City of Angels Blog
since January 2007.