I lived with PTSD for 40 years, after molestation by a Catholic priest at age five. Read my story as I write it here through 2015.

This is a True Story

**See the R-Rated Version of This Story at CofA16**
Read ongoing coverage of pedophile priest crisis at CofA12
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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Notes: Faster than the Speed of Life


Today I write my story because my story is the only asset I have left.

Like Little Annie Fannie with angel wings, I began my pursuit of the priest soon after puberty.  

Pursuit of the Priest took me to the Timothy Leary ranch near Laguna, to a Yoga ashram in Dallas, to starring in porn films thinking it would not hurt my acting career, to relentless lobbying until NASA created a job for me in Houston where I pursued astronauts in a kind of confusion about men in high places.  

I think what happened to me, the priest finger banging and arousing me at five-six years old, damaged me at a cellular level.  So all over my entire system, everything is haywire.  For instance, when the drug Fen-Fen came out to decrease appetite, I took it and became ravenously hungry.  

I apply an herbal ointment to a cold sore and it gets worse.    

In my teenage years, when everyone else got the munchies smoking pot, I wouldn't be able to get a bite past my clenched teeth.  

Today I dance in orgasmic glee to Gospel songs in my room, then write this story. 

One reason for my dad’s decision to stop forcing us to go to church anymore when I was thirteen could have been the way I trashed out the girls rest room at St. Perpetua church in San Marino, which I think is described in this post from 2006 in need of a rewrite.  That combined with my sister’s precocious sexuality as soon as she reached puberty must have made it register in my dad’s head: What Father Horne did to his two daughters apparently had long lasting effects.  (I was wrong, that link does not include the story of how I trashed the rest room at St. Felicitas and Perpetua Church in San Marino at age 13, and I can't find it on any of the blogs.  Guess I have to write it again...*)

But somewhere between Father Horne-y whispering dirty fantasies to me in the confessional at age six and my dad liberating me from Sunday Mass at thirteen, I picked up a connection to the Spirit.  When I reached puberty, at a very visceral level, I connected my budding sexuality to religious feelings I had when I was a kid, and so a quest began, a kind of pursuit in search of what connected the two, sexuality and spirit.  

Whatever I used to connect to The Spirit had to be anything but the Catholic Church.   So as soon as I became a teenager, I began exploring alternative religions. 

Jump to 2011

How do I describe what happened for a whole year, about May 2011 to now, more than a year?  I have to say the dalliance with the Chicago Archdiocese attorneys in April  2011 did get me sidetracked.  

Why did they have to even dangle the possibility of a settlement in front of me like that, only to draw me in to their offices in Chicago- Shoot, I was stupid enough to think they might offer me a job too- only to have one lawyer whisper in my one ear a low four figure settlement amount, while another lawyer whispered in the other ear, “There’s a problem, it's your blog.”  

I stormed out of their offices and sabotaged my own case, but still STILL I hate to admit spent a year hoping the phone would ring any second with my lawyer quoting a settlement figure that would truly change my life.  How wonderful that would have been but of course it did not happen.  They just wanted me to stop blogging, created that whole "settlement conference" to tell me to stop blogging.  So it perplexes me how, even though it was an indirect result, I did stop blogging. 

Me in West Virginia? 

Then it perplexes me even more how I ended up for an entire year in that off the grid pile of rubble small town in Appalachia where I couldn't even get to a grocery store, let alone a plane or train to get outta there.  It's strange as I look back now, because the individuals whose interactions with me resulted in me ending up abandoned in West Virginia are no longer in my life, they disappeared after depositing me there.  One gave me a ride to WV, the other was supposed pick me up there and drive me to Chicago, but never showed up, so I just got left there, another was going to give me a place to stay.  

All three bombed out and disappeared from my life. 

I could start babbling like a paranoiac saying the Catholic Church set that whole thing in motion to make me as impotent as possible, after all Dirty Tricks seem to have become a thriving industry in America.  

Narcissist or Paranoiac? 

I have to slap myself down sometimes and realize how narcissistic it is to think institutions are carrying out conspiracies against you, I honestly have to slap down that kind of thinking. 

Unfortunately for pedophile priest victims, when we babble about The Vatican and the Pope working against us, sounding like we are paranoid and delusional, what we are describing can actually be real.    


I'm just one blogging pedophile priest victim, I really doubt the church or anyone else would go to that much of an extreme to keep City of Angels Blog from continuing.  Getting me abandoned in West Virginia.  

Still as I grew mold in that hot damp place, I sometimes wondered how did I end up there.  Glad I got out, but it wasn't easy. 

It's poverty and the limitations of it that really brought City of Angels blog to a halt. 

If I just had a car and the budget to pay for gas and maintenance, I could accomplish so much.  

Instead, I went to Albuquerque and could not get any of the places I needed to get, am having the same problem here in Chicago.  So I have to re-direct this writing project, make it more fictional, deriving from the work I've done already.  I can't keep setting up interviews when I have no way to get to them.  I can't keep trying to do investigative journalism depending on the bus.  

A lot of money went out in settlements to a few survivors and a lot of attorneys as a result of these crimes over the last twenty years, but here I am with no car, says a lot about my karma with money. . . 

oh well.

Guess I'll write fiction.
I created a niche for myself with this blog and thrived through 2007-2008, then one after another I got stones thrown at me, and and though I can’t prove it, the persons who should have been there to support me while I was under attack seemed to be the persons actually orchestrating the attack.  
* HOWEVER I did find this story at CofABlog from 2009 which mentions Sts. Felicitas and Perpetua Church in San Marino CA where I trashed the restroom at age thirteen, become and enraged mad-child scrawling "Hypocrites" on the walls with lipstick."  More to come

TUESDAY, MAY 19, 2009

Fired again: Examiner Dot Com bows to pressure from Church, eliminates my job as LA City Buzz


By Kay EbelingItalic
Producer, City of Angels Network

So here I am back at City of Angels again. After a post I put up April 29th-30th, the L.A. Archdiocese "General Counsel" contacted Examiner Dot Com and pressured them to remove me from their site. So far I have not been able to get a copy of that letter. But I was fired from Examiner Dot Com this afternoon. Oh well, that means:

City of Angels is Back.

After getting a letter from a Church Attorney, Examiner Dot Com decided they also did not like my side quips and snide remarks and as a matter of fact, they don't approve of on any of the stories I wrote in the last few months. Examiner Los Angeles, which promotes stories such as "Actress Reveals Chubby Belly in Bikini" with pictures stolen from copyrighted sites, found my stories about criminals being sleezebags to be "not in line with our guidelines."

Meanwhile Monsignor Richard Loomis is still listed as Pastor of Sts. Felicitas and Perpetua Church in San Marino, pictured here, and Loomis was supposed to be the focus of the April 29 stories that got me fired. Loomis, when he was known as Brother Becket in the late 1960s, had one good enough allegation against him to be one of the priests named in the 510 civil cases settled against the Los Angeles Archdiocese July 2007. 

Story from 2009 at City of Angels Blog continues here 


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