I lived with PTSD for 40 years, after molestation by a Catholic priest at age five. Read my story as I write it here through 2015.

This is a True Story

**See the R-Rated Version of This Story at CofA16**
Read ongoing coverage of pedophile priest crisis at CofA12
My story is my only asset. Thanks for sending high fives ($5s) through the PayPal Buy Now button on the left to support this work.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Backstory for Ch. 3, Considering Who We Are, coming soon

Fr. Horne-y
My sister Patricia is a big part of my story.  She and I were both molested by Father Horne-y, all our lives we were connected in a strange way that was probably because we shared that experience, although neither of us knew the other went through it until 1995.  That's when I knew for sure it really happened, because I learned in a phone call with my sister that she too had been diddled by Father Horne-y.  Her memory is weirder than mine, because when she had a baby in the 1970s, she started “remembering things” as my dad said, and he put her in a suburban L.A. mental institution and authorized 12 shock treatments, as many as it took to keep her from remembering.  I too started “remembering things” after having a child, when L reached the age I was during the abuse, it all came pouring in.

(This is Backstory for Chapter 3 published here )

Most of my life I followed my sister around the globe.  She went to Geneva Switzerland in 1965, my parents sent me to stay with her in 1966 when I graduated high school.  That's where I was Taken and almost sold to some Arabs, a story I've written here before.

Trish seemed to have the opposite reaction to being molested by Father Horne-y in the early years.  She stayed a virgin until age twenty-one, and since she dated so many people and was incredibly popular, all through high school, as a cocktail waitress later, her virginity was an issue, and when she finally gave in and let someone have sex with her, it was news all over the Balboa Peninsula.

As Tri
Trish, c. 1990?
sh got older, she seemed to go the opposite direction and became more sexually profound even than I was.  She danced topless for years working a circuit in Northern California, and often told the story of how she’d take several men customers home with her some nights. They’d follow her in her blue sports car out past the canyons north of San Francisco where she lived in the middle of nowhere then in a shack with a metal rooftop.  There they’d have sex through the night.  

That was my sister.  She is, I think to this day, proud of her sex life, has friends in the Hookers and Dancers rights groups in SF. 

Me, I would try to be rigid and straight while carrying on at night.  I would get hired at amazing places, such as NASA in Houston in 1978 and in L.A. later at uptight PR firms. Then in the night hours, I’d eerily do similar things as my sister, especially taking several men home at a time to have sex.

I distinctly remember Father Horne-y teaching me a sexual fantasy at age six, about having sex with lots of different men. He was training me for First Confession, explaining what "impure thoughts" were. Honest that happened.  It might have happened to Trish as well.

The two of us, Trish and I, lived as adults caught in that pattern, wanting to have sex with men by the numbers.  At least Trish was smart enough to work in industries where people didn't mind her sexuality. 

It also probably happened to Adah Menken in around 1850, see as we will see in Chapter Three. 

I ended up acting out with way too many men who were my colleagues at work, and then I couldn't understand why I kept getting fired when I was performing these difficult complicated jobs so well.  I was not proud of my sexual profoundness, I thought I could carry on both lives at the same time and it did not work.

That may have been what Trish was trying to tell me that day  when she came backstage to see me after opening night in the show I was in in Burbank in 1969.

Something Trish said to me that day caused me to pretty much quit my acting career and start doing porn.  Here is what happened:


Another mystery I carry with me to this day is what was it Patricia said to me in 1969.  It was backstage in a Burbank community theater where I’d just gotten standing ovations for my lead performance in a very bad play.  My sister came backstage and something she said to me put me in this weird fugue state.  She said something like, “I don't know why you are pursuing an acting career like this, considering who we are.”  And I knew exactly what she meant.*  The next day I told the director to have the understudy finish the run of the show.  Then I picked up a copy of Daily Variety that had a glowing review of my performance and practically skipped over it, turned to the Help Wanted pages, and answered one of the new ads they were just then starting to run.  Since the Supreme Court decision to allow pornography to be mass produced, in 1969 legitimate casting boards were listing “modeling jobs” in the newly acceptable sex-movies. 

Still in that fugue state, I registered and did porn for for the next six months, at a time when doing porn meant you could never do real acting work again.  So it destroyed whatever chances I had of doing real film or  TV series work or even anymore plays.

In 1984 I was in therapy in L.A., and when my shrink heard that story he said, “Wow, I really wish I could hear what it was your sister said to you backstage that night.”But I can’t remember the exact words, something like “why bother, considering who we are,” and I knew exactly what it was she said, and went into the sex industry instead.  

Yeah. When a Catholic priest starts fooling around with kids in a family, it messes up all kinds of dynamics.

Note to self: Go through family albums and get more pics of Trish to use in these posts. 

* Just like I knew what she meant when she said, "No Wonder I've been so hostile to you my whole life, you took away my first lover when I was nine years old."

No comments: