I lived with PTSD for 40 years, after molestation by a Catholic priest at age five. Read my story as I write it here through 2015.

This is a True Story

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Sunday, May 11, 2014

Beautiful Faces

(More back story found in old journals)

The judge said, let’s acknowledge the victims, and all in the court turned to the viewing area. Men who had been raped by pedophile priest Clinton Hagenbach from the 1960s to 1980s were in many of the seats, and as they rose a wave of pheromones and testosterone filled the room. They each emanated an internal rage, but also they shared a remarkable characteristic.

Beautiful angelic faces. 

I had seen the phenomenon once before among pedophile priest survivors, at an event in 2006. They asked everyone in the room who had been molested by a priest to stand up, and again, it was a sea of angelic faces, all in different stages of aging, all showing different signs of damage, but still stunning and beautiful faces.

Seeing them, I couldn't help but imagine the pedophile priest decades ago, standing in front of an elementary school classroom looking among the students for his next targets.  Of course.  It stands to reason.  The predator priest would select children with beautiful angelic faces. 

Also, thanks to seven thousand pedophile priests in the USA, a lot of us have twisted sexuality in our DNA. 

In those of us who share this unique experience of being molested by a priest at a very formative age, the weird sexuality seems to have gotten meshed into our DNA, or become part of us at an instinctive level, I've found it to be true for me and for several men and women I've met since doing City of Angels Blog. And I saw it in some of the Hagenbach victims. 

It's like someone washed us down with a sex wipe at a cellular level. 

It's not so much a problem now that I'm a little old lady especially since I hardly ever go out of the house anymore… hmm maybe that's why…I don't go out of the house anymore. 

But when I was in “the life,” the sexuality seemed to precede me even before I entered a room, even if I didn't do anything to make it happen.  I saw the same quality in so many other pedophile priest victims, I have to conclude, that hyper sexuality in your DNA is yet another way these priests damaged us. 

The hearing where I noticed this phenomenon among the Hagenbach victims was July 17 2007 in L.A. Superior Court where all the L.A. Clergy Cases got dismissed (510 settlements in one swoop).  The first jury trial, concerning Hagenbach, was supposed to start on that day, one of dozens of trials on calendar concerning dozens of priests in the coming months, so many of his victims were in attendance. 


had been a prolific perpetrator in L.A. in the sixties, seventies, and eighties, so at the time of the hearing his victims ranged in age from thirties to fifties, and some who had filed lawsuits were in the courtroom that day. 

They were ready for a trial, fighting ready, and instead they got a million dollars or so each.  And no one ever really heard anything more about the crimes.

But that day in honor of these men in the courtroom who did not get to see the trial come to fruition, the judge had them all stand up so we could acknowledge them, sort of a moment of silence thing.  

And this amazing mass of mannishness and charismatic masculinity swept over the courtroom as a dozen guys stood up, all of them good looking, striking men with handsome faces. 

Beautiful angelic faces.

-kay ebeling

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